A story album by Richard "Aeio" Li
Over the course of this past year in quarantine, I've been trying my best to improve as a writer, coder, and musician. Thus, I wrote a story to go along with my album, and coded a website to present it all to the world. Enjoy!
Click any of the buttons below to be taken to the album on whatever listening service you prefer. The album should be out anywhere you listen to music!
Whenever you see a “Play:” instruction, stop reading and listen to the corresponding song.
Danny heard a knock at the door. Upon opening it, he was greeted by a stranger holding an envelope.
“I saw this on the floor in front of your door. Did you drop it?” Danny took a close look and knew immediately who it was from. The ‘A’ on the back in a distinct cursive wasn’t really all that discreet.
“Ah yeah, thanks so much!” He said with fake exuberance. After saying goodbye, he ripped open the envelope and began to read.
Dear Danny,
I hope this letter finds you well. I felt like you were really mad at me yesterday, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to you about it at all. I’d like to meet with you if that’s alright, but since I don’t know if you’ll respond, I suppose I’ll write down some thoughts here.
Danny trudged out of his 300-student biology class, utterly exhausted by the test he had just taken. Chapter 11 was notoriously hard, but this year the professor, Dr.Harvey, seemed to have a special vendetta against his kids. Shouldering his bag, he began to discuss the test with his friends, blatantly ignoring the order they had just been given. I mean, the professor didn’t really expect anybody to follow it, right? He had considered transferring out before, but since Dr.Harvey monopolized the biology division at Danny’s school, there wasn’t really the option of another class. But if he was going to give ridiculously hard tests, the least he could do was let Danny and the other victims suffer together.
They parted ways at the library as Danny mentally prepared himself to finish his english project due on Monday. It was his 21st birthday tonight, and his friends insisted on getting him at least a little drunk. Productivity was sure to be negative over the weekend. After he grabbed a cup of tea at the café, Danny walked to the individual studying tables, sat down and spread his project across it. Then, he pulled out his headphones and began to settle in.
A few minutes into his session a girl entered the room and sat down to his left. Suddenly, Danny was pulled from his studying stupor. She smelled like heaven. The aroma of vanilla and honey flooded his senses.
That’s so creepy, Danny scolded himself as he tried to refocus. But that smell. The exotic sweetness was so utterly distracting. He allowed himself a glance to the left and saw that she was opening up biology notes. Since his college had so many students, he, as a second-semester junior, still didn’t recognize everyone. He had definitely never seen her before. She began to twirl a pencil in her fingers as she focused. Danny noticed it said ‘Chapter 11’ at the top. Ah.
“That test was really hard,” Danny said involuntarily. He regretted it immediately and looked down with embarrassment. “I just took it.” The girl turned to look at Danny. Danny blinked. Her eyes were the softest possible blue, and he tried his best not to look like he had just forgotten how to speak.
“Was it? I’m so screwed,” She said with worry. “I missed last class because I was sick and Harvey cancelled his office hours today.” Danny immediately saw an opportunity, and before his better sense could react, he took it.
“Oh? I can help,” Danny offered, then quickly adding “… if you’d like, of course.” He tried to look casual, but guessed that he was probably failing miserably. Thankfully, she seemed a little too flustered to notice.
“That’d be awesome. My name’s Adelynn, by the way. What about you?”
“Daniel, but everyone calls me Danny.”
Danny spent the rest of that afternoon helping her through the concepts of Chapter 11… kind of. She was a fast learner and grasped the concepts really quickly, so he taught her what she needed to know and spent the rest of the time conversing with her while working on his project. They exchanged numbers as Danny wished her luck on her test. Adelynn flashed a smile and thanked him before leaving. Danny swallowed. Holy shit.
Danny was not ready to party. His friends, like the utter psychopaths they were, chose to take Danny to Eclipse, the most popular bar in the area. They said something about ‘needing the true 21st birthday experience.’ Danny could understand the thought process. Eclipse was right next to the college and had been facilitating bad decisions for the past 20 years, so it was almost seen as a “rite of passage” to get trashed there.
As soon as he walked through the doors, he knew he was fucked. “Crowded” didn’t even begin to describe the wriggling mass of bodies that blockaded every pathway in the bar. Friday night had clearly not been the smartest time to come. Danny and his friends slowly made their way to an empty booth his friends had reserved for him.
There is no way in hell we’re supposed to fit all 12 of us here, Danny thought to himself. Almost immediately afterward, all 12 people squeezed into the booth shouting something about “drinks for the table”.
Danny wasn’t a stranger to alcohol. He had done his fair share of underage drinking at high school parties and whatnot. He simply hadn’t indulged quite as much as some of his more… eccentric friends.
Before he could even wrap his head around how they were managing to squeeze 12 people on a couch meant for 6, he realized that his friends had moved on to bigger and better plans: getting him a girl. No place like a sweaty bar to find true love, right? In an attempt to distract the mob, Danny raised his bottle and they began to drink. Minutes turned into hours as the stack of empty bottles piled higher and higher on the table. He thought the alcohol would make his friends forget their plans, but the opposite occurred; they couldn’t seem to talk about anything else. Now sufficiently intoxicated, they pushed him out of the booth, once again pressuring him to find a companion.
Then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted her. Adelynn was here! The visible jerking of his head as he turned to her made the rest of his friends stop. A few of them followed his eyes and laughed. They all collectively shoved Danny in that direction. Well, here goes nothing.
Turns out, she was conveniently there for a friend’s birthday party. His friends nodded their approval as he left with her. Score!
The rest of the night was a blur. They had walked back to the university and snuck onto the roof of his dorm building, staring at the stars. Danny let himself slowly become enveloped by that same sweet smell — vanilla and honey. The sunset slowly turned into a sunrise, and Danny was glad he wouldn’t have to wake up early the next day. There was a chill in the early March air, so they had stopped by Danny’s room to grab a blanket and his beanbag chair. Now, they reclined on the beanbag as they hugged each other to stay warm. Her brown locks of hair contrasted neatly with the white button up Danny had worn that day. He sat there, twisting her hair with his finger when a thought suddenly penetrated his mind.
This is too good to be true.
The words felt like they were imprinted on the inside of his skull, and he couldn’t erase it no matter how hard he tried. He closed his eyes for a second and willed himself to think about something else. Anything else. He settled on the aroma around him.
Adelynn told him about her test (she felt like she did fine, naturally) and they laughed together about Professor Harvey’s bullshit test curve. As they silently sobered up and watched the streaks of red and orange dissolve into the sky, Adelynn suddenly spoke.
“Do you think God is real?”
The question stumped Danny. He’d never been a big believer of any supernatural cosmic forces — he always thought that that mentality would make him weak. In his mind, he had worked for everything he earned, but this night was making him doubt. On a campus with over a thousand students, most of whom he’d never seen in his three years of college, he just ran into the same person twice in the same day entirely accidentally.
“I… I guess I don’t know,” Danny stumbled. She turned to him with a quizzical look in her eye.
“I do,” she said with conviction, “I think somebody is looking out for me.”
“So… you believe in God?”
“Yeah.” Adelynn said with a conviction that confused Danny. He twirled Adelynn’s hair with his index finger as he tried to compose his next thought. Her hair smelling like exotic spices and the conversation making him question his existence definitely didn’t help his situation.
“Isn’t that scary? I feel like having my life controlled by an outside force isn’t what I’d want.”
“Well… I believe God always has your best interests at heart. And I don’t know what the plan is for me, so I guess it’s more comforting if anything… knowing that there’s an all-powerful being out there pushing you to fulfill your purpose.”
Danny closed his eyes. “This is a lot to take in.”
“Well then,” Adelynn laughed, “let’s go back to talking about the more important stuff. Do you think Harvey is a secret serial killer or not?” Danny cracked up.
It was really too perfect. Absurdly, unrealistically perfect. This girl was laughing at his nonsensical jokes and leaning on his chest in just the right way to force the butterflies into his stomach. They conversed a little more before heading back to their respective dormitories. Before they left, they agreed: this would not be the last time they saw each other.
Do you remember how it was in the beginning?
Danny woke up the next day thoroughly distracted. He was very lucky he had planned absolutely nothing for the day —although, to be fair, he thought the thing crippling him would be alcohol, not… this. Honestly, he didn’t even know what this was. He did, however, intend to find out.
Danny tossed his umbrella from hand to hand as he arrived at the library a few minutes before he had arranged to meet Adelynn for coffee. The morning sun was hidden underneath clouds, and the gloomy day promised rain, but Danny was entirely unconcerned. He still felt a vague euphoria from last night, and that made him impervious to the world around him. He walked to the café and sat down at a table.
Vanilla and honey.
The smell heralded her entrance like trumpeters before a king. Instantly, Danny felt like melting into his shoes as he turned around as casually as possible. There she was, sporting a black crop top and high-waisted jeans. The outfit wasn’t supposed to stand out, but Danny couldn’t look away. He waved to catch Adelynn’s attention and she nodded in his direction. After she got her drink, (green tea, Danny noted) she walked over to Danny’s table.
“Hey, how are you?” Adelynn asked as she sat down.
“I’m doing fantastic, and you?” Adelynn nodded in response as she sipped her tea. They took a moment of silence as both of them tried to evaluate the situation. Thankfully, Danny had planned for this.
“Come with me. I want to show you something,” Danny said with bottled excitement. Adelynn curiously followed as Danny took her to the elevator.
I remember the first time you showed me that little piano room tucked away in the top floor of the library
“This is my favorite room on campus.” Danny had taken Adelynn up to the seventh floor of the library hall. The library used to have practice rooms above it for musicians before the music hall was built. Now, the seventh floor was a storage floor, with dusty cases and books lying around everywhere. The elevator didn’t even reach it; people who wanted to get to the 7th floor had to first ride to the 6th floor and then take the stairs up to the 7th. Students would occasionally come up here to find old textbooks to pass off as their own or borrow instruments.
Danny had, while exploring the library in his freshman year, found a small practice room tucked behind a few string bases. Inside, there was a piano bench and a lonely, slightly out-of-tune piano facing a dusty window.
Over the years, this room had turned into a pseudo-sanctuary for him. He would come up with a cup of tea from the café and play a few notes on the piano while looking off into the distance. It was his little slice of campus that nobody else knew about. Until now.
“Oh! How adorable,” Adelynn gushed as she stepped into the room.
“Do you like it?” Danny sat down and tapped on the piano, eliciting an out-of-tune warble.
“I don’t know, play something for me and I might be able to make a decision,” Adelynn gave Danny a smile before sitting next to him on the bench.
“Well, what do you want me to play?” Danny asked, curious.
Adelynn pondered for a moment. “Mmm, I don’t know. Your favorite song?”
Danny nodded; he barely got through the first three chords of “Uptown Girl” before Adelynn laughed out loud. “I love Billy Joel!”
“Seriously?” Danny turned in disbelief.
“Yeah!” Adelynn began to belt out the words. Danny joined in mid chorus and they sang it as a duet all the way through. As the song wound down, Danny stared at Adelynn, who was sitting, eyes closed, enjoying Danny’s impromptu outro.
“I had no idea you could sing like that.” Danny said, incredulous.
“I took choir in highschool. Mother’s orders.” Adelynn tapped on the keys. “Never learned piano though; I’ve always wanted to.”
“I could probably teach you,” Danny said without hesitation, “piano’s not that hard.”
Adelynn laughed. “I’m not surprised that a piano prodigy like you would say that, Danny.” Danny smiled as well.
Something suddenly crossed Danny’s mind. “Does anybody call you Addie?”
“Not that I know of, why?”
“I don’t know… I think it’s a cute name,” Danny said sheepishly.
Adelynn laughed out loud “Well, if you like it, you can call me that.”
“Addie.” Danny said with a smile.
Addie spoke again. “Oo! What about Sinatra? Do you listen to him?” Danny feigned offense.
“Why, of course I do. Who doesn’t know Sinatra?” Danny started playing “Fly Me To the Moon,” and Addie audibly sighed in satisfaction.
After they sang the song, they sat together, content. As he had predicted, the grey clouds had released a light drizzle onto the campus. Danny felt the question being pulled to his lips and just allowed it to escape.
“So… what are we?” Addie turned away from the window and looked him in the eyes.
“What do you want us to be?” she said, with faux curiosity. Silence blanketed the room. The light from the window seemed to reflect off every surface of the room, projecting shimmering rays everywhere. Simultaneously, they both leaned in. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could spot their shadow against the wall as their lips touched. Euphoria.
Danny laid back on his bed after taking a long, warm shower. After he walked Addie back to her room, he had the incredibly dumb idea to take a page out of “Singing in the Rain” and close his umbrella. The light drizzle had transformed into a gusty spring storm and within minutes he was drenched from head to toe.
To be fair, he didn’t feel cold at all until he stumbled into his dorm building. The few people sitting in the lobby gave him weird glances.
“Rough day?” one of them asked with concern.
“Not even a little bit,” Danny smiled and said as he hummed a vaguely jovial tune while hopping up the stairs, shivering.
Now as he was staring at the ceiling, freshly showered and thoroughly warmed up, his mind began to wander. First it was to all of the places he wanted to take Addie, then it was to all of the songs he couldn’t wait to sing with her, and finally he just started to think about Addie in general. Everything spiralled and spiralled until it settled down on just one thought:
Danny, this was way too easy. She can’t be serious.
That was that thought that had invaded his head after they left Eclipse. Now, it was here again the second he got a chance to think. Try as he might to remove it, the thought stuck to his brain like a spitball to a wall.
“Maybe she just likes me.” He muttered, he wasn’t too sure who he was saying this to. These thoughts seemed almost involuntary.
Who in their right mind would like you?
Do you remember that awesome storm?
Danny was buried into a book when the downpour started. It was sudden, torrential, and entirely uncalled for. It was as if God opened up the heavens and started pouring out all of the water in reserve. Danny, with his headphones blasting music, didn’t hear anything until his phone paused his music for him to give him a notification:
Hi. I’m outside.
Danny looked outside and his eyes widened. He paused his music, grabbed an umbrella and immediately sprinted down to the front door. Addie was drenched.
“Holy shit Addie, why didn’t you come upstairs? My parents would’ve totally let you in.”
“It’s nice out here. Come join me!” Danny took one look outside and immediately raised a critical eyebrow. Addie, seeing the disapproval, tried again, “oh come on, it’s boring to be dry all the time.” Before he could say yes or no, Addie had disappeared into the rain. I’m going to regret this, Danny thought before he left his umbrella by the door and went outside.
As soon as he exited his house, he realized that his umbrella would’ve been entirely useless anyway. The wind was sending the rain down at a 45 degree angle, drenching him head to toe almost instantly. He looked around but couldn’t see Addie through the sheets of rain.
“Addie?” He called out. Suddenly a pair of hands clutched his shoulders
“Boo!” Addie screeched. Danny started and turned around.
“Oh you little shi—” Danny cut himself off as he began to chase Addie around. They ran to the park next to Danny’s house, when Addie suddenly slipped on a muddy patch of grass. Danny tried to stop himself, but tripped over Addie as they both tumbled to the ground. Addie was laughing so hard she was struggling to catch her breath. Danny sat up with his arms crossed, trying to pretend like he was angry, and his right earbud fell out of his ear onto Addie’s outstretched arm.
“Oo! What’re you listening to?” She asked as she put it in her ear. Danny pressed play, and Addie immediately began to dramatically headbang. “This gives me an idea,” she said as she grabbed Danny’s hands and began to dance. Seeing such unadulterated joy on her face, Danny couldn’t help but join in.
Or the first time we went to church?
It was a bright summer morning. Danny looked in the mirror, holding two outfits in front of himself. Addie was looking from across the room, sprawled across his bed. Addie sighed and stretched. Addie and Danny both lived in the university’s vicinity, so, although it was summer vacation, they met up all the time to grab coffee or see a movie. But when Addie excitedly asked if he wanted to go to her family church, he didn’t want to dampen her spirits and say no. Now, here he was, holding two different uncomfortably formal outfits.
“Are you still trying to choose your outfit? Can we hurry it up? It’s church, not a supermodel showcase.”
“I’m not trying to look out of place,” Danny insisted unapologetically “plus, you do this all the time. It’s my turn.” He turned towards her and asked, “Now, button-up shirt or sweater?” He held up the two options.
“I mean, it usually doesn’t take me this long to decide,” Addie said as she sat up. “And are you serious? Obviously a button-up. It’s the middle of July. Are you trying to die from heat stroke?”
“Well, first of all, you’re lying,” Addie raised an eyebrow. “Secondly, you look good in everything” Addie rolled her eyes and began to form the word ‘shush’ in her mouth, but Danny continued, “and, thirdly, as you would say, ‘beauty is pain’. A little heat stroke never hurt anyone.” Addie laughed as she pushed the button-up towards him.
“Just put on the damn button-up, Danny.”
Entering the church was odd. It was Addie’s family church, so she was greeting and conversing with everyone they met. Danny felt like a little puppy, completely oblivious as Addie introduced him to everyone and everyone to him. Eventually, after what felt like a million years, they got inside and sat down on a pew in the far corner of the sanctuary. He had insisted that they sit as far away from the speaker as possible to avoid potentially being singled out. Addie rolled her eyes, but decided that she had pushed Danny outside of his comfort zone enough.
The pastor was talking about the book of Job. Or at least, he was when Danny was paying attention. Without him even realizing it, he completely zoned out until Addie elbowed him.
“Danny, are you awake?” Addie whispered as she flipped to the next page of her notebook. She’s taking notes?
“What? Yeah, I am.” Danny shook himself out of his stupor.
“Why is your Bible still open to Job then?”
“Isn’t that what we were talking about?”
“Yeah, like 25 minutes ago!” Addie whispered forcefully. Danny’s eyes betrayed his shock. Addie rolled her eyes and returned to her notebook.
Later that night, Danny went over to Addie’s dorm and knocked. After a few minutes of conversation, he brought up what he wanted to say.
“Hey Addie. I’m sorry.” Danny said, sheepishly.
“About what?” she replied in a way that indicated that she knew exactly what he was apologizing about.
“About zoning out today.” Addie looked Danny dead in the eyes, brows furrowed, and he braced himself for the earful that he was about to receive. All of a sudden, she started laughing.
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” she said in between giggles, “sermons can be boring.” Danny breathed a sigh of relief.
“I just don’t get it. I think the stories are interesting, but these hour-long sermons just make me want to lose my mind.” Danny put his hands out in a show of utter helplessness. Addie paused and tapped her finger against her chin.
“You know what,” Addie said after a few seconds, “I think we can just read it together.” Danny’s eyes brightened up.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. I’ve been reading the Bible for like… 17 years at this point, and hearing it since way before then. I know most of the stories by heart. D’ya wanna read it together? You can teach me piano, and I can teach you the gospel.” She turned towards him as though this question was truly a consideration, but Danny had already made up his mind.
“I’d love that.”
“Cool. I’ll get you a Bible. We’ll start next Sunday!”
Addie showed up to Danny’s room with a packet of sticky notes and a physical copy of the Bible. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just get a copy of it on his phone, but when she peeled off the first sticky note he suddenly understood.
“Danny,” she said as she wrote his name on a neon-pink sticky note. She slapped it on the inside cover of the Bible and continued. “This is yours now!”
Danny’s face clearly displayed a level of confusion, so she clarified.
“I’m gonna make sure you learn,” She said with the attitude of a strict school teacher. “You might not take notes in class, but this is much more important to me than differential equations.”
“Okay okay, ma’am,” Danny replied, his voice positively dripping with sarcasm. “Whatever you say.”
“That’s right,” Addie said, ignoring his sass and moving on “Now, Genesis. Let’s begin.”
From then on, every week they’d meet up on Sunday after Addie returned from church. She’d give Danny a more digestible version of the sermon (“explain it like I’m stupid,” Danny would always say.) and then they’d begin to read. Starting from Genesis, Danny slowly but surely made his way through the Bible as they curled up in one of their rooms, sipping tea and reading. His Bible began to look like a rainbow, filled with color-coded notes in a mixture of his and Addie’s handwriting.
Every once and a while, their conversation would deviate from Bible-study into anything spiritual at all.
“I don’t understand fate,” Danny said one day in the middle of Jeremiah, “if God has plans to help us, why doesn’t he just force people to carry them out?”
“But if he makes you choose good, then you’re not really good anymore, are you?” Addie said, “I’ve asked this question before. I think it comes down to the fact that our humanity is in our ability to choose.” There was a beat of silence as Danny revealed what that question was really about.
“But he put you next to me in the library. I didn’t choose that," Danny said, “fate dictated us.”
“But you chose to talk to me. That wasn’t fate.”
“I just think God sort of slammed the two of us together… it’s a little unbelievable, right?”
“What, that God would present us with moments to choose our paths? Not really.”
“Well, when you say it like that…” Danny trailed off. Against his will, he felt words being carved into his skull again.
Well, we both know that she’s wrong. God must’ve made this one happen, because there’s no way she’d like you otherwise
Those moments and so many more made me fall in love with you.
“What do you mean you don’t remember?” Danny asked with exasperation. Addie was sitting on his beanbag, head resting on her knees, thinking as hard as she could. She wasn’t really paying attention when she hid the sticky notes around the room, so trying to deduce the location of the rogue sticky note was now a near-impossible task.
“I mean, you can tell what the message is right?” Danny looked down: … are my favorite person in the whole wide world.
Danny rolled his eyes. “No, Addie,” Addie raised an inquisitive eyebrow. Danny felt the need to defend himself: “What? This could be referring to anybody!”
Addie facepalmed, “who else would I be referring to?”
“I’ll never know if you don’t find the sticky note, will I?”
“Well if you were better at finding them, we wouldn’t have this problem, would we?” Addie lifted her head up and tilted it at Danny accusingly.
“This… this is the meanest thing you’ve ever done to me.” Danny collapsed with mock indignation. “What a travesty.”
Addie scoured the room again, trying to retrace the steps she walked when she hid the sticky notes. “One under the sink… behind the computer… on the desk… I hid these like a week ago. How am I supposed to remember?”
“What? You did it literally two hou- Oh forget it, we’ll just say I won the game and it’s fine.”
“Oh no, that’s not happening. I found all ten of yours,” Addie said as she leaned back onto the bed.
“Well, I would say this is considered a disqualification, since you ruined your one job. You’re paying for bubble tea tomorrow.” Danny suddenly had a positively evil idea. He hopped onto the bed and began crawling towards Addie. “Unless… you need to be convinced in another way.” Addie backed off in horror as she realized his intentions.
“No! I’ll pay. I’ll pay!” She cowered. There was a pause as Danny hovered menacingly on top of her. “… please don’t tickle me.”
“That’s what I thought.” Danny jumped off and barely heard as Addie whispered:
“Terrorist.”
“What?” Danny whipped back around and proceeded to unleash his wrath, tickling her until she was cry-laughing. “I’m putting these right here,” Danny said as he tucked it into the drawer beside his bed, “as a reminder that you, too, are sometimes a klutz.” Addie contorted her face and pretended like she was about to cry. Danny, hugging her close, proceeded to add, “but you’re my klutz.”
Addie made gagging noises into Danny’s chest as Danny trapped her in his arms, cracking up.
And I would’ve loved to think about those moments and nothing else — just you and me —
Addie gasped. Danny had completely transformed the little piano room. String lights dangled from the interlocking wooden beams above them. Danny had hung up a few posters of Frank Sinatra and Billy Joel. On a small table in the corner of the room, there were a few packets of green tea and a water boiler. It looked like something straight out of an Instagram post.
“It’s gorgeous,” Addie whispered as she hugged Danny. “The green tea is a nice touch.”
“I’m glad you like it,” Danny responded with a twinkle in his eye. “I wanted the room to look like it deserved someone as pretty as you.” Addie blushed and playfully shoved Danny away
“You’re the worst.” Danny laughed.
“I’ve been writing a song recently,” Danny said suddenly with childish excitement as he pulled out his laptop. “I’m a little stuck on the second verse.” He played the song for Addie, pausing before the second verse. “And see, now I don’t know what to do.”
“What if you added upbeat drums? Like… um… this?” She started tapping out a rhythm on the piano. Danny nodded along.
“You know what? That just might work!”
“And… I think maybe the second verse should go like this…” They spent the next few hours tossing lyrics and melodies back and forth.
A week later, Danny excitedly pulled the song up on his laptop. Addie was leaning on him as he sat at the piano bench, peering over his shoulder with interest
Danny pressed the spacebar after the song was done. “And that’s the song!”
“I love it!” Addie exclaimed.
… but somehow I always felt like something wasn’t right.
Danny reclined on his bed while he video-called with Addie. The clock beside him slowly ticked past 10 PM.
“So… you’re not coming over?” Danny asked. Addie fidgeted with her necklace. She was wearing a figure-hugging dress, and despite how tense the situation was, she still looked stunning.
“Danny… no, I can’t. My friends are coming in 30 minutes,” she said, “my Wednesday nights are not yours alone.”
Danny’s confusion quickly bubbled into frustration. “That’s not what I’m saying,” Danny elaborated, careful to keep his tone from entering ‘whiny’ territory, “it’s just… you spent the last month coming over every Wednesday, so it’s confusing when you don’t. I had this whole thing planned out and—”
“But did I say I’d come every Wednesday?”
“No but —”
“But I didn’t say every Wednesday, so I’m not obligated to come.” Her voice was firm. Unfeeling. In the background, Danny heard Addie’s friends laughing as they did their makeup together. “Listen Danny, I’m sorry if you misunderstood. I’ve got to go.”
The call ended. Danny, frustrated, ran his fingers through his hair. After a minute, he sighed and tossed the bag of popcorn on his table into the trash. He sat down at his desk and pulled out the homework he was going to avoid.
Right on cue, the thoughts made their way into his head.
See, you’re completely unlovable. Why would she sacrifice for you?
It was the constant disagreements.
Danny and Addie were sitting together in the piano room. Danny was fiddling around on the keys, not really paying attention to what he was playing. Addie was scrolling through her phone. She suddenly gasped.
“Oh my… there’s this story about a little kid who lost both of his parents in a missile strike. What is our government doing?” Addie asked, clearly distraught. Danny looked over with concern and read the story quickly.
“I’m gonna be honest. Stuff like this makes it hard for me to believe in God.” Addie turned to face him, a lecture written all over her face. “I know, I know. We read it together. Job… ‘Shall we receive good and not evil?’ … but still. This doesn’t make any sense.”
Addie didn’t bother to contest. She simply said “God’s ways are higher than ours.” Hearing this, a little flame lit itself in Danny’s stomach.
Say it.
He shook his head. Like a little parasitic worm, those words invaded his skull.
Say it.
“You can’t seriously believe that.” Danny said, shutting the lid over the keys. “God is traumatizing a kid. It can’t be worth it.”
“Maybe this moment will be instrumental in what the kid does in the fu—” she started, then cut herself off. “You know what? I’m not going to try to convince you. If you think you know better than God, then challenge him on it. Pray.”
“Wait, Addie. I didn’t mean to—”
“You act like you believe in him, and then every time something’s wrong, you doubt and complain.” With that, Addie opened the floodgates. In his head, he could feel the thoughts creeping in.
She’s so delusional. She’s a fanatic!
Danny tried to stop himself from opening his mouth, but the thoughts were being drilled into his head, and before he could think he had begun the fireworks.
“Hey. That’s not fair. You can’t possibly be calling me out for doubting and complaining. That’s so hypocritical.”
“I definitely don’t do it as much as you. You always need a 30 minute lecture in order to get your faith back in line. Do you believe, or not?”
Danny shook his head in disbelief “Wow, I didn’t know that quantity of complaining was what determined whether or not you’re a good Christian. Good to know you’re the second coming of Jesus, Addie.”
Addie stood up, clearly furious. “I don’t know why you always drag God into these conversations. It’s like you want to fight with me,” she said, and then added, “I don’t care. Just read the Bible.”
“I’ll do it as soon as you stop with the holier-than-thou bullshit.” Addie glared. Danny realized he might’ve taken a step too far.
“Fine.” She huffed off and slammed the door behind her. Danny was too angry to go after her.
The constant fighting .
“What are you thinking for dinner?” Danny asked, pushing his phone out so Addie could see their options. It was chilly outside, and she was snuggled in tight on his chest. It was a Sunday afternoon, and they had just finished their Bible study session.
“Mmm, I don’t know—”
“Don’t say ‘you choose,’ or I swear I’ll lose my mind.” Danny interrupted, a smile creeping onto his face.
“You…”
“Don’t…”
“Choose. You choose!” Danny buried his head into his hands as Addie giggled.
“Well, Andrew recommended this burrito place downtown. We could get delivery in…” Danny scrolled down his phone and found the place. “Twenty minutes.” He leaned forward to see Addie’s expression.
“Wait. Andrew? You still talk to Andrew?” She asked as though she was accusing Danny of a crime. Danny sighed.
“Yeah. He’s my friend.”
“Didn’t I tell you that you should cut him off? He literally only talks shit about everyone he knows to you. What do you think he tells other people about you?” Addie sat up now, looking at Danny. “Every time you’re done talking to him, you’re… sadder.”
Danny groaned. “Ho-ly Addie. It’s fine. He’s recommending us to a restaurant, not giving me therapy.”
Addie’s eyes gained a look of disappointment. “Seriously, Danny. You shouldn’t be friends with him.”
Danny tried to stay calm. “Listen, Addie. I don’t ask you to cut off Meg or Jennifer even though they’re not really the best of friends to you. Don’t try to control who I hang out with.” He hoped she could tell that this was the moment to back off, but instead she looked more intent to finish the conversation.
“What’s wrong with Meg and Jen?”
“Ah, nevermind. Can we just order food please?”
“No, no. I want to know!” She said firmly as she pushed Danny’s phone down. Danny groaned and tried to phrase his thoughts in the most innocuous way possible.
“I… I just think that sometimes they push you to do stuff that isn’t good for you.”
“Oh?” Addie immediately responded “And you’re suddenly the authority on what’s good and bad for me? Holy shit Danny, I can’t believe …” Danny leaned backwards as he prepared himself for the lecture that was coming next. As per usual, the little parasitic words started drilling themselves into his head.
How come she can say that to you, but you can’t say it back? She’s honestly so insane.
Honestly I felt like I was slowly becoming someone you needed, not someone you loved.
Danny and Addie were laying next to each other on Danny’s bed. Danny’s laptop was illuminating his face with a soft blue tint as he typed out his essay. Beside him, Addie was reading a book by lamplight. All things considered, Danny had really no reason to feel uncomfortable. At that moment, he felt the words making their way into his mind.
She doesn’t love you.
Danny shook his head. He had been considering talking to someone about this sensation in his head. He had prayed about it, but God was, as usual, silent. It had been many many months now, and these intrusive thoughts had only been getting worse.
She doesn’t love you.
Normally, he was able to ignore the words. It was painful, but if he didn’t focus on it, it wouldn’t impede his life. After all, Addie certainly loved him. They kissed, danced together… she liked the same music as him, she made him feel happy, it was perfect!
She doesn’t love you.
Like an army marching forward, this time the words deepened their impression. There was no logic, no reasoning to this repetition, but Danny could feel his forehead heating up.
“Hey, are we okay?” Danny asked, out of the blue. Addie sat up, concerned.
“What do you mean?’
“I mean… us. Are we okay? Do you…” Danny swallowed. He knew this question was a stupid question to ask, but his mouth said the words before he could stop himself. “… love me?”
Danny could tell that Addie was resisting to roll her eyes into the back of her skull. This wasn’t the first time he’d asked a question like this. Whenever he felt the writing on his skull, he had to say something about it. It was an itch he couldn’t avoid scratching. Normally, Addie would just say ‘no’ sarcastically, or kiss him and say ‘does that confirm things?’ This time, however, her face was far more serious.
“I feel like I’ve told you before that I hate this question. Why do you need to ask?” Addie spoke deliberately, as if she was asking Danny to plan his next words carefully. Danny’s cheeks suddenly grew warm from embarrassment. After a moment of thought, he began.
“I—”
“Actually, I don’t really want to hear it. Just go back to your work.” Danny, embarrassed, nodded and looked down at his keyboard. Maybe if he looked pitiable, she’d pity him. He didn’t want to tell her about the words; she really didn’t need to think he was insecure and crazy. Instead of comforting him, she turned further away from him, reading her book fully on her side now. Danny wanted to smack himself in the head, but all the same he wondered why she couldn’t just say “yes” and be done with it. He moved to go back to his work, but he couldn’t stay focused. Addie’s silent frustration was radiating from her like she was a ticking grenade. Danny had to try and defuse it.
“Addie… are you alright?” Danny eventually caved. She turned around, and Danny could see that her eyes were rimmed slightly red. “I… I’m sorry.”
At this, Addie blew up. “Are you though? Are you really? You say you’re sorry every time you do something like this and then ask again the next month. You’re manipulating me, Danny. You’re manipulating me for your own fucking self-esteem and I hate it.” Addie stood up and left, slamming the door behind her.
Danny sat on his bed, utterly speechless.
I can’t believe you ever loved her. She obviously never loved you.
When you said you understood and felt the same way, I didn’t question it. Maybe I should have.
The end was inevitable, but the words lingered unspoken in their throats.
Danny avoided speaking for as long as he could. He held Addie’s hands in his and they looked dead into each other’s eyes. For the first time, Danny realized that there were hazel specks in Addie’s eyes. After noticing it, her eyes seemed to lose the purity they had possessed for so long. Finally, she spoke.
“Yeah. No point in dragging it out,” Addie said, her voice lifeless, but unwavering. “It’s not working between us.” She blinked and Danny watched as a transparent tear trailed its way down her face. Danny wondered why he didn’t cry. He realized that he didn’t feel sad, just… hollow.
“I get it,” he said. “I just don’t want it to happen.”
“I don’t want it to happen either, but I think this is stopping both of us from growing.” Addie said, gesturing between the two of them. Danny turned to the right and laid on the floor. He hoped she would turn around and put her head on his chest, the way she always did before. Addie didn’t move.
“We’ll still be friends?” Addie asked meekly. As soon as the question escaped from her lips, the answer came.
“Of course,” Danny replied reassuringly to the ceiling. “Why wouldn’t we be?” He didn’t even know why he asked the question; a million reasons flitted through his head instantaneously. It didn’t matter; Danny knew he was lying. How could he stay friends with her?
“Well. I suppose it’s settled.” Addie said, monotone. Danny really thought he’d have more to say, but as he traced the vents lining his ceiling, nothing entered his head but the prayer that he could disappear through those vents and get out of this room. Resigned, Danny nodded and the two of them stood up. “I’ll see you around, Danny,” Addie said as she left. Through the corner of his vision, he could see that she gave one last glance back, but Danny stared straight ahead and didn’t bother to look at her.
Danny’s heart crumbled. “Goodbye, Adelynn,” he said, completely devoid of emotion. He looked at her to see that there was a little bit of hurt in her eyes. He expected to feel warm about that, but instead he just continued to feel utterly, utterly hollow. The door shut behind her.
The hours blurred into days blurred into weeks; Danny was convinced this didn’t change anything. He was single before and everything was fine. He threw himself into his schoolwork. In front of his friends, he was his same crazy self. They were all happier that he was spending more time with them instead of Adelynn. There was a fair amount of drinking and ‘no no, she was the crazy one’; Danny was intent on finding some normalcy in his life.
At least the semester was just beginning, so there was a lot of work to do. Danny was grateful for the distraction. He flooded his professors with an influx of questions, and spent every available moment inside one office or another. His friends couldn’t understand why he was putting so much effort into school in his senior year; he even declined party invitations to meet with teachers.
The effort paid off… somewhat. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, a month went by as Danny sat in the passenger seat of his own life. He still didn’t feel sad. He just felt that continual emptiness. After a particularly hard test from Dr.Harvey’s bioengineering class (he had prayed that he wouldn’t have to spend another semester with him, but God apparently enjoyed watching Danny struggle), he trudged back to his dorm room. As he entered, he felt like all of the energy was suddenly drained out of him. It took all of his focus not to collapse on the floor.
Worthless.
He hadn’t felt this sensation in a while. Like ants swarming crumbs, self-loathing thoughts began running up the inside of his skull. Danny felt beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He sat on the floor and leaned against his bed. A churning sensation was beginning in his stomach, and he felt like he needed to throw up.
She never loved you.
Danny brought his arm to his forehead. He wasn’t sure he had a fever, but his head was definitely hotter than usual. He figured it was simply exhaustion, and climbed into bed.
God lied.
And last night… that was not how I intended for you to find out.
That was not how Danny found out.
Three weeks before ‘last night’, and about a month after he and Adelynn broke it off, he was in the library trying to study for his midterms. As he went to the café to grab his usual coffee, he spotted Adelynn making her way over to a table, followed closely by someone Danny didn’t know. They sat down, and Danny’s interest was piqued.
He figured he could do his reading in the café tonight. As he sat down at a table to begin, he couldn’t help but continually glance at the two silhouettes by the window. The crowded café seemed to fade away as the two of them spent the better part of half an hour just talking. Afterwards, they got up and left. Danny kept his nose buried into his laptop. Thankfully, he had chosen a seat far away from the door.
From then on, every time he went to work at the café, he’d look for Adelynn first. Every once in a while, the two of them would appear at that same seat in front of the window. Every time he saw them, Danny would feel something expand in his chest. It would start under his ribs and grow upwards until it plugged his esophagus. Thankfully, he was usually able to bring himself under control by reminding himself that he was in there with work to do.
Except, 2 and a half weeks later (3 days before ‘last night’), they left considerably earlier than they usually would. Danny was, again, in a corner booth, completely hidden to the outside world. But he was diligently focused on the two of them. Adelynn had pointed upwards before she left, and Danny had a sneaking suspicion as to what that meant.
He left the café, ensuring there were always about 3 groups of friends between him and Adelynn. Sure enough, he watched them turn the corner to the elevators. The feeling in his esophagus suddenly erupted and he felt like he was going to die of thirst. He turned into the bathrooms, practically inhaling the water from the water fountain. As soon as he stood up, he realized that the feeling hadn’t gone away. He felt extremely nauseous, but he was on a mission.
He walked over to the elevators and checked the numbers. One elevator was on its way up. 4…5…6. It stopped. Danny closed his eyes. He knew what they were doing. He considered just pretending he had never seen the two of them at the café. Perhaps he had simply been dreaming it up anyways.
Against his instincts, he called an elevator. He took it to the sixth floor, then walked into the stairwell. He hadn’t been up here since he and Adelynn broke it off. The room was… off limits. He took his time on the steps. Before he even creaked the door open, he knew. The sound of the old piano crooning reverberated weakly through the door. Adelynn was belting out Sinatra.
Danny closed the door quietly and, even though he tried not to, enjoyed the music.
“That was awesome. You’re so good at music! I can’t imagine playing the piano and singing at the same time.” A muffled male voice came resonating from the room. That’d be him. Danny looked through the window. He could vaguely see two silhouettes sitting on the piano bench. They were facing away from him, but there wasn’t a shadow of a doubt in Danny’s mind that they were sitting a little too close to be friends.
“No no. I only started learning piano this past year. It’s just the chords for me,” said Adelynn with a laugh that sent butterflies straight into Danny’s stomach. He forced them away. Are you going to tell him who taught you? Danny thought as he gritted his teeth.
“Well, you’ll have to teach me soon too. I’d love to be able to do that,” he said.
“Of course!”
Danny watched as the shadows on the wall leaned in. The light from the string lights above them seemed to grow brighter as he tried to peel his gaze away but couldn’t. He hung those string lights up. They leaned in. They kissed. Danny snuck back out of the room and headed back to his dorm, trying not to throw up. He entered his room and sat at his desk. He couldn’t comprehend what was happening to him. Surely, surely, Adelynn was just trying to make him jealous.
Danny breathed in and out, calming himself down. That’s right. This was a rebound relationship, headed for failure. They’d come back together in the end.
(last night)
Danny’s friends wanted to celebrate after midterms. They were thoroughly exhausted by their education, and were prepared to make a few questionable decisions to… refresh themselves. Danny, eager for a distraction, agreed without hesitation.
“Where are we going?” Danny asked, after saying he’d go.
“Eclipse! It’s gonna be insane!” Danny’s heart sank. Adelynn. Then he hardened himself. No. I will not let her ruin this.
“Alright. I’m in. Come pick me up at 8?” His friends agreed, then waved goodbye as they headed to their classes.
Truthfully, I apologize if I hurt your feelings. If it helps, you hurt mine too…
Danny was partying it up with his friends in a booth. They had bought enough drinks to keep them pacified for the night and they were steadily working their way through them while dancing.
“I wanna hear some noise from everyone who’s enjoying their night tonight!” The DJ was being obnoxious, but it was the right kind of obnoxious for this crowd. Danny joined in as the entire club howled. As he brought his beer up to his lips again, he paused.
Vanilla and honey. No fucking way. He slowly turned his head — Adelynn was standing right there. She looked directly at him and didn’t even bother to hide her obvious shock, but was dragged away by her friends before Danny could open his mouth.
His friends were pulling him to the dance floor, but Danny pulled away from them, pretending he needed to go outside for a breath of fresh air. They let him go and he beelined for Adelynn. Soon enough, he found her standing beside a few of her friends. She saw him as he approached; Danny could tell that her eyes were saying something, but he didn’t bother to decipher the message.
“So… fancy seeing you here again,” he said, awkwardly. He realized that he hadn’t really planned out what he was going to say.
“I could say the same to you,” she responded. Her eyes darted left and right. Danny had never seen her this squeamish, but he continued on as the unsaid words bottled up in his chest came spilling out.
“So I’ve heard you’ve found someone new.” Just vague enough to touch the subject, but not reveal the depth of his knowledge.
“Yeah,” she said without emotion, “We’re pretty happy. How about you?” She was obviously hoping he’d stay on the surface, respond ‘fine’ and leave.
“Honestly?” Danny was incredibly frank, “ Hurt. But I’ll be okay.”
“Danny—” Adelynn looked like there were a million things she wanted to say, but she was having trouble phrasing them. She finally settled on “I hurt too, you know?”
A couple of responses flitted across Danny’s head. Accusations that she never loved him, bitter remarks about how quickly she moved on… he tried to choose. He kept getting distracted by Adelynn’s obvious discomfort. Why did she keep glancing over his shoulder? He was about to turn around when his confusion was cleared up.
“Hey I brought you your drink— who’s this?” That was a familiar voice. He handed Adelynn her drink and looked expectantly at her.
“Hey… Will, this is Danny. A friend.” There was a subtle emphasis on friend, as if she was putting Danny in his place. Well, Danny thought, message received.
“Oh hey, Danny. Good to meet you,” he extended his hand and Danny shook his hand firmly. This was the hand. The hand that was touching her hand. The hand that held her the way he used to. It felt sweaty and disgusting and rough and uncomfortable and —
“Will. Nice to meet you too,” Danny responded plainly. The silence that befell them was entirely inappropriate for the atmosphere. The song on the speakers was thumping through its final chorus, and the three of them sat in an awkward triangle. Danny felt more and more like an intruder.“Well, I should go. Have a good night guys.”
“Thanks, Daniel,” Adelynn said, “have a good night.” Danny turned and saw a vindictive fire burning in her eyes.
He walked back to his friends as the next song started; Daniel grabbed another beer and chugged it all down. He screamed with his friends and danced.
But… I’m happy now, and I believe that one day you will be too. I don’t regret a single second that we spent together.
It was pouring outside when they returned. Add that to the below-freezing weather, and Daniel walked into his dorm building completely freezing and soaking wet. He trudged upstairs, slamming the door as he exited the stairwell.
Daniel collapsed backwards onto bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t even understand what he was feeling. Disgust? Sadness? It was all just so… exhausting. He closed his eyes, but he felt like Adelynn’s eyes were painted against his eyelids. Blue. So frustratingly, disgustingly blue. No, no. Not quite. There were those little brown dots staining it. Gross. Like her. And her vomit-inducing perfume. Daniel felt like he just needed to cry. To sob. That would fix everything. But his eyes remained dry.
He stared at the ceiling, tracing the vents that lined the roof. He could feel as the rain in his hair slowly soaked into his sheets. He didn’t care. He kept drawing squares on the roof with his eyes, following the vents round and round.
Suddenly in the corner, he saw a little pink sliver. It was barely visible, since most of it was folded into the vent. He took off his socks and stood on his bed, reaching up. His ceilings weren’t high; he easily pulled it out. It was a sticky note, and Daniel knew immediately what it was.
He reached into his drawer and pulled out the other 9 sticky notes: are my favorite person in the whole wide world. He knew what would be written on this sticky note. He knew who wrote it. He knew who folded it, who snuck it into the vent, and who forgot it was in there.
He opened it.
You.
“Fucking liar.” He whispered underneath his breath as he threw it onto the table. It landed right where it belonged and completed the message: You are my favorite person in the whole wide world. “Fucking. Liar.”
Daniel looked around his room. It felt like it was spiraling around him, collapsing on top of him, threatening to rip him apart and explode. The cocktail of frustration, depression, and regret forming in his stomach made him stumble. The ceiling folded in itself and Daniel’s knees grew weak from claustrophobia. He looked around for something, anything that he could use to numb the pain until he saw it. The Bible.
Then, the words: God lied. Danny felt pure agony as those words etched themselves into his brain over and over again. God lied. God lied. God lied. God lied.
Daniel clutched the Bible in his hands. He hadn’t quite finished it yet, and he could see little sticky notes jutting out in various places where Adelynn had introduced each of the stories to him. Daniel moved fast.
Wordlessly, he tore it in half. God lied. He grabbed pages out of the book and shredded them in a fit of pure rage. God lied. He clawed and ripped away at the cover. God lied. Still completely silent, he watched as neon sticky notes began to dot the floor like sprinkles amidst a Bible ice-cream cup. God lied. This one was in Adelynn’s handwriting. God lied. Those were Adelynn’s words. God lied. God said Adelynn was fate.
God lied.
Genesis mixed with Revelations as each book of the Bible found itself mutilated on the floor. Daniel hoped that God on his almighty throne in heaven was hurting even half as much as Daniel was, watching his precious book being torn apart. Was he in charge or not? Was he looking out for his children or not? What kind of sadistic, uncaring, unloving father would let their children cry and suffer without intervening? God, Fate, all words for the same gigantic lie: that there was a plan to his life.
Soon, Daniel ran out of steam, and his anger turned to a lethargy he’d never felt before. He curled up on the floor, clutching the near-empty Bible. The only pages left were from the book of Job. He thought back to Adelynn’s words. Just read the Bible.
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?
Of course. God had a few more cosmic middle fingers to show him.
There was a sticky note on the page. Daniel ripped it off and read the words. Despite this, God’s love is unfailing (Psalm 36:5). Adelynn’s handwriting. Daniel shivered. He felt a twisting sensation in his heart. Unfailing? Maybe for her. He had been stupid. Stupid for thinking God cared about him. Stupid for believing Adelynn when she said God had his best interests at heart. Stupid for… Daniel sighed. He sat on his chair, utterly dejected.
Suddenly, all of the tears that he hadn’t cried when Adelynn broke up with him came pouring out of his eyes. As the minutes passed, he didn’t move from his seat. Slowly, the tears subsided, and Danny opened his puffy and swollen eyes. He was equal parts devastated and confused.
He slowly picked himself up and got into the shower. Afterwards, he collapsed into his bed. All around his room lay the eviscerated pieces of the Bible.
Well, my offer to talk still stands. I’ll be waiting in the room at 9. I hope to see you.
Yours,
Adelynn
Daniel choked back a bitter laugh as he put the letter back in the envelope. Yours. He didn’t know if the irony was intentional, but it certainly cut deep.
A few minutes before 9, Daniel entered the room. It felt foreign. He had memories of hanging up the string lights, the posters and dusting everything, but now it felt like somebody else did it. He sat at the piano bench and brushed his fingertips across the keys. He played the middle C. The sound was jarring, as though Daniel was just now realizing it was an old and decrepit piano.
“Hey,” came a voice from behind. Daniel turned around. Adelynn had snuck up on him. She still looked as stunning as ever. Notably absent, however, was the smell of vanilla and honey. There was a faint hint of citrus, but none of the scent Daniel was familiar with.
“Hi,” Daniel responded awkwardly. He scooted over and she sat next to him on the piano bench. A few butterflies fluttered hopelessly in his stomach. “How… how are you?”
“Good. And you?”
“I’m alright.”
The conversation puttered out instantly. Daniel stared at the piano keys, unwilling to look Adelynn in the face. What was there to say? Why did he come here anyways?
“You know, I’m surprised you showed up today,” Adelynn said, finally. Her fingers were splayed on the bench, and it took all of Daniel’s self control not to reach over and lace his with hers.
“Why’s that?” He asked
“Well, I just thought you hated me after last night. Sorry for being cold, by the way.” Daniel looked up into Adelynn’s eyes and saw that the hazel specks seemed to have taken up more of her eyes. It was like a layer of leaves was covering the sky blue underneath.
“No, no. It should be me. I should be apologizing. I did it first—” he was going to continue blaming himself, but Adelynn cut him off.
“But I did it second. It doesn’t make it less wrong,” she said as she twirled her hair nervously. “I suppose I was just hurt. You made it sound like I didn’t care.”
“That’s what I thought. You were with Will literally two weeks after we were done.” Adelynn’s shocked expression didn’t deter him. “You guys went to the café, and I live there. You know that.” She nodded, defeated. He didn’t talk about hearing them in this room, but something about Adelynn’s expression made him feel like she already knew.
“That was a little dumb. I’m sorry I hurt you.” She paused. “I think Will just came into my life at the right time,” she looked and saw that Daniel was about to speak and preemptively said “and I feel more… secure with him.” Daniel didn’t let his facial expressions betray an ounce of hurt, even though he felt like his insides were being boiled alive.
“Secure?” Daniel asked tentatively.
“Well, Will and I don’t fight all the time about what we do and when we do it. We both make time for each other, but understand if plans don’t work out… it just felt… right?” She came tumbling to a stop, and Daniel stared at her while her sentence sort of puttered out.
Finally, he sighed. “I guess I just don’t get it.” Adelynn tilted her head questioningly. “I thought when you were talking about God and fate and stuff like that…” he paused, trying to regain his composure. “I actually bought into it. But you were… joking? I guess?”
Adelynn brought her hands to the keyboard and copied Daniel’s tapping. “I wasn’t. I just don’t think it was meant to be what you wanted it to be.”
“You told me God was in control.”
“He is. Not you.” Daniel took a moment to digest what she meant. “At some point, you’re going to have to learn that it’s not about you.”
“I…” Danny wanted to argue, but how could he? Here he was, obviously not in control. He spent this entire relationship trying to get things under control. The way he felt. The way she felt. The way their relationship worked… It was too good to be true so he strangled it until it wasn’t true anymore. In the end, he had nobody to blame but himself. “I’m sorry.” Adelynn looked confused, so he expanded. “I’m sorry that I did… everything that I did. You deserve better.”
She looked like she was considering her words very carefully. “Listen… what I want out of a relationship… you can’t give me that.” She leaned over and took his hand. “And I can’t give you what you want. It’s not your fault. I love you. I just don’t… love you.” Danny let that register. It hurt.
Daniel swallowed. Hard. “I guess I’ve learned a lot from… this.” He gestured between the two of them with his hands. His vision got a little blurry as he tried not to think about what ‘this’ could’ve been. He grinded his teeth, but squeezed out a few more words. “So, I suppose I should be saying thank you. And thanks to Him” he pointed upwards and she smiled.
Adelynn looked down and blinked a few times. Daniel couldn’t tell if she was crying or not. “Well, I’ve got to go. I have something scheduled at 9:30. It was nice seeing you.”
Daniel paused, and thought for a few seconds before he spoke again. “Nice seeing you too, Addie.” Her eyes brightened a little bit, hearing that name. As she opened the door to leave, he added “and, for the record… I’m happy for you.” He wasn’t sure if he meant it yet, but it felt right to say.
Addie smiled. “Thanks Danny.”
Danny watched as she left. When the door swung shut, he felt a sudden ache in his stomach as the last of the butterflies died. After a few minutes, he stood up and walked out as well. Before he left, he turned around and took one last look into the room. Memories tried to flood into his head, but he flicked a button and turned the string lights off. The room was drenched in darkness. He gently closed the door behind him and started walking downstairs.
(SECRET BONUS SONG – Youtube Only)
A few weeks later, it was Danny’s 22nd birthday, and his friends surprised him, dragging him out of his dorm and into a car en route to Eclipse. He had initially resisted since he only had bad memories of the place, but his friends told him it was an 80s night, and he wasn’t going to miss that for the world. Internally, Danny wondered if Adelynn would be there again, since she was there for her friend’s birthday party last time.
Lo and behold, no more than 20 minutes into the night, he saw her. She was with her whole friend group, conversing and laughing, but every once in a while her eyes would dart to him. It was clearly a girl’s night out, and Will was nowhere to be seen. He stood and walked over to the DJ’s table and wrote down a song request. The night passed surprisingly quickly. Danny was in paradise, dancing to 80s songs with his friends. Tonight was inconsequential. Danny let himself relax. Before he knew it, the DJ was rounding everyone up for the last song.
“Guys, it’s been a pleasure doing 80s night with you—” he was interrupted with a wall of cheers. “—and here’s the last song, party hard guys!”
It was Danny’s request.
Throughout the entire song, Danny sat and bopped along with his friends, pretending to pay attention to the drinking game they were playing to finish the drinks they bought. But instead, he kept sneaking glances at Addie. It seemed like she was doing the same thing. Danny hoped she understood the message.
The night wrapped up smoothly, and before he knew it, he found himself in his dorm room, slightly tipsy but generally in high spirits. He checked the clock. Quarter past two. He jumped into the shower, humming to himself.
He felt… peculiar. Like there was a roaring fire in his stomach, but ice on his skin. He stepped out of the shower, praying that he didn’t have a fever. That would put a damper on his mood. Everytime he breathed in, he felt like there was an emptiness threatening to swallow him from the inside.
See, she doesn’t love you. I win.
The words reverberated in Danny’s skull.
You’re not happy,
He closed his eyes and felt these words being carved into his forehead
and you don’t deserve to be happy.
Agony
Danny took a deep breath. “What the fuck do you want from me?” Danny lashed out at the wall in his room.
I win.
Danny gritted his teeth. It couldn’t go on like this. Every happy moment of this past year, every ray of sunshine, greyed out by these stupid words. Danny didn’t even believe them.
Or did he?
Was he truly unloveable? Truly undeserving of happiness? He leaned against and slid down the wall. Honestly, he… didn’t know.
He had already established living arrangements for the next year, so he was excited to finally be done with this place.
He did one last sweep of the entire room, crouching under tables and reaching behind corners to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. He pulled open the drawer next to his bed, and felt around. His fingers grazed what felt like a few slips of paper. Curious, he grabbed it and pulled it out.
You are my favorite person in the whole wide world.
Danny’s face slowly morphed into a sad smile. A few bittersweet memories flitted through his head, but before they could really grab ahold of him, he crumpled up the paper and tossed it into one of the communal trash cans in the hallway.
Adelynn had accepted a job offer halfway across the country. Danny would probably never see her again.
No more you and me, Danny thought. You. Me. Separate.
And that was good enough for him.